We are (not) just what we do

It is so easy to define who we are by what we do.

I am an artist.

I am a yoga teacher.

I am a janitor.

I am a software engineer.

I am a stay-at-home mom.

In general, what we do can reflect our personalities, and to some extend, who we are, but I have a secret knowledge which led me to believe that we will only be in harmony with ourselves when what we do truly reflects who we are.

Unfortunately, there are many life rules and obstacles such as paying bills, grocery shopping, getting that "shoes", going on vacation, and others, which make it quite challenging and limiting for any of us to freely find out what we should do based on who we are.

We need a well-paid job.

We need a secured job.

We need a well-paid job so we can settle down comfortably and start a family.

We need a secured and well-paid job so we can support our family, send our kids to college and save enough to retire early.

So, we are told.

But, where is the manual to explain how a well-paid and secured job relates to what we enjoy doing and how we want to spend our days when each of us are so unique and different?

We can’t all want the same thing, can we?

But, finding out who we are is no easy task. It requires a lot of uncomfortable soul-searching questions, not to mention a lot of time.

Also, by limiting ourselves to just what we do, we are constantly unhappy with the answer. And, life goes on, frustrated.

I did not have the life manual until I found yoga.

Yoga introduces me to a great journey of finding out who I actually am. And, that is why I decided to open a yoga studio.

It is my way of giving back and sharing what I gain to others.

I want to see as many people with a clearer understanding of who they are so they can make necessary decisions about what they should do with their lives, and go on living a much happier, fuller, more aware, and a whole lot healthier, life.

I never wish for my dream yoga studio project to end this way and I am very sad to be standing on the other side of the outcome of my effort.

But, looking back, I can see the reason underneath.Who I am is in conflict with what I was doing.

I was not cut out to be a yoga studio owner.

I do not have the personality to successfully make money out of people.

For a yoga business to work, one must manage between cost and revenue. Cost comes from how much you pay the people working for you and Revenue comes from how much you charge your customer.

And, profit comes from low cost and high revenue.

My yoga studio was high cost, low revenue. It is obvious from day one, that I did not have a business. What I have is more like an expensive hobby.

But, I was too idealistic to give up.

I was taught to believe that good intention always leads to good outcome.

I was taught to believe that nothing bad can come out of good effort.

So, I was there putting everything I’ve got into what was not there, trying to fix things that can not be fixed.

I believe so much that if I keep putting everything I’ve got into it, no matter how bad the situation was, things will turnaround.

The truth is, nothing was bad. It just wasn’t right.

Any business person would know, a business can not be operated when you pay your people more than what your customer is paying you.

When a yoga teacher came to me and said she can not sustain her lifestyle from teaching yoga and she needs a pay raise, I listened and offered help, because I don’t want anyone to feel that I am making profit out of her. Although the reality is that I was already paying her from my saving and now I will be paying her more from my saving.

What the heck am I thinking? Why didn’t I just say no?

When I interviewed a candidate for receptionist position who seems like she was extremely unhappy with her previous job, instead of telling her no, I felt sorry for her and I offered her a job. I want to help. I know I can give her the kind of job she will enjoy doing and she will feel happier about herself. That was the premise of my yoga studio to begin with, I want to help people so they can feel happier about themselves.

What I did not know is that I will be paying her to lounge around comfortably at the studio, browsing the internet on a brand new iMac and “facebooking” her “friends”.

When that happened, I was too gobsmacked to process the situation.

Every day I walked into an empty studio to find this person perched up comfortably in front of “my” iMac and chatting with her friends online.

Is this what I’m paying her for? Is this not a charity? What the heck am I doing?

“Hey, Mikki. Random question” She would initiated a conversation.

Yes, Arsha. I tried to force a word out.

“Oh, nothing much". Smiling. "I was just wondering if I could get a raise and work more hours. I know that the studio is quite empty but it’s close to my husband’s birthday and I would really like to have more money to buy him something nice. Can I start clocking in at 2pm even if we are not open until 5:30pm. That extra 3.5 hours with a raise will really help me get something nice for my husband. Also, don't you want someone around the studio, anyway? Please....

(I don't need anyone when we are closed, that's what I think and should have said)

“……..” I stared at her, speechless.

Instead, I can not manage to get anything out of my mouth, except “of course, Arsha. Thanks for asking” Would you like a glass of water? Are we low on snack? Would you like my money now or would tomorrow be OK for you?

I want to give her benefit of the doubt. She is young and inexperience. Perhaps there are people out there honestly believe that they can get paid by showing up to "work", browsing an internet and chatting online with friends.

She, obviously is in that camp. And, I am willing to help her a little more so she can become who she should be.

I printed out a complete list of what she should consider as her "job" responsibilities. That list does not include her favorite activities such as internet, facebook or snack. I ask that she check the list everyday when she comes to work.

The next day, I found her just like where she always was, in front of the computer, snacking, chatting away with friends.

When I walked in, she looked up at me with a broad smile, "Hi Mikki! . Another random question for you. Do you think I can get a little more raise and a little more hour? Did I tell you yesterday how much I love this job?? I just want to be here all the time and help you!!! By the way, I hope it's OK, I tossed the print out on job description you gave me, I already know those by heart. Those are so easy to remember. I can do all of that in like 10 minutes. So, what do you think? Can I get another raise again today?"

Seriously?

Of course, I have learned so much from this experience. And, I would not trade it with anything.

But, I also know something about myself.

When someone can not understand simple math, I can’t be their math professor.

The math is out there, how many people taking yoga classes and how much do you want to get paid. People, do your own math!

I also don’t believe that someone who knows how to ask for more money does not know how to do math.

I, especially, can not comprehend, when someone does take the time to do their math, but keep pushing for more money anyway.

May be I am to believe that it is normal behavior to be pushy. Or may be someone is a bit too insensitive. Yes, there is such phase as every man for himself and perhaps, that is how things work around here.

But, I still don’t get the whole keep pushing until someone says no. Or, keep saying no until the push stops.

I believe that when we respect each other, and our "wants" are reasonable, we all will get what we want. It may not be the most of what we want, but it also will not be the least of what we want. We each get something, and we each are happy.

And, the world is a much happier place.

Yes, I watch Disney growing up and I believe in fairy tale. I believe in the goodness of people's heart, no matter how silly it sounds.

So, something is my style and something is not. There is no right or wrong. It is just who I am.

I realized that I may have made many mistakes along the way. But, it is not about how many mistakes I have made.

The answer is clear. If owning a yoga studio requires that kind of style, then, I am not that person, as simple as that.

Probably this is why I am so relieved.

I now learned, I am not equipped to be a yoga studio owner and I am absolutely OK with it. The truth has set me free, literally.

There is no regret, only contentment, for being able to pursue my dream and do it wholeheartedly the way I believe.

Looking back and knowing where I am now, I would not have changed a single thing.

As hard as it is, I would still choose to keep all of those mistakes and nightmares. They are part of my life experience. They are part of who I am. Even if they will still lead me back to where I am now. Broke and Sad.

It is the only way I know. And, it is the only way I can.

But, there is one thing I haven't done and I would like to do.

I want to dedicate this note to all of my "students" and “customers” for experiencing what I want to give. I thank you for giving me the chance to serve all of you, and show you how good yoga can be (according to what I believe).

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It has been a great honor meeting, knowing and teaching yoga to each and everyone of you.

Good bye, and, Hello!

Yoga teachers are people, Too!

What do we do when we don’t get what we want?

Do we throw a tantrum? Do we show our anger? Do we bully others into getting what we want? Do we keep sending email with more and more coarse tone and larger and larger fonts until we receive a response? Do we keep calling that very person until she picks up the phone even when it’s obvious she is too busy to be interrupted?

I can’t help but wonder, what is the right thing to do when we don’t get what we want?

Of course, there are times, I did not stop and wonder about the right thing. Like when I did not get my white toast, I became angry, and demand nothing but what I want.

I said white toast, not wheat. Who eats wheat toast anyway, only the amateurs. Yes, you heard me. Pros eat white toast because it tastes better. Amateurs eat wheat toast because they think it will make them become healthier. Whatever.

So, I did not get my white toast. But, do I need to judge? Is it OK that I make generalized, not-so-nice comment about other people just because I did not get what I want?

Of course not.

On the front page of the Wall Street Journal today, it reads “Saks upends Luxury Market with Price-Cut strategy”.

Hang on, I read the Wall Street Journal?

Absolutely. First thing in the morning, every day of the week. That is how I start my day. Nothing calms me like a headline about sacking economy on the Wall Street Journal on Monday morning.

But, I am also a yoga teacher who came from Thailand. Can I actually read English? Like business English? Wasn’t I the one with a failed yoga studio? So, why read WSJ when you can’t even operate a successful business?

Interesting questions.

So, the article says Saks is having trouble getting rid of their inventory ordered from last fall and the regular 40% off failed to get customers to “buy”. They need to survive and they can’t afford to give any of their designers or partners heads-up about their discount strategy because they need to act fast. They are running out of time. They need to stay in business.

The 70% off brought a line of hundreds of women to the shoes department for $800 Christian Louboutin pumps at $250. So the article says.

Seems like a good move for Saks, they are able to get rid of the stuff. Are they still making money at $250? I’m curious.

Anyway, unbeknown to Saks execs, their action causes a small boutique in LA to close down and the owner to file for bankruptcy protection on Christmas Eve because she can not afford to compete with the discount AND the designers refuse to take some of the merchandise back from her despite her plea.

My heart sinks reading about that boutique. It usually means nothing to me other than another business being closed down.

Now that I have lived through that same experience, I can appreciate the pain and reality of the situation more than anything. It sucks not only to see your business being closed down but to not receive any support from the “so-called” business partners.

So, is this why people say business is cut-throat?

But, what is business, if not a group of people?

I can’t help but wonder if the same analogy can be made when many self-proclaimed “celebrity yoga teachers” came to me demanding top dollar because “people love me and I deserve to be paid well” So, they told me.

Aren’t we all? I felt like asking.

But, not only did I not ask the question, I agreed to pay them what they demand.

Because I want to have a successful business and a successful business is run by happy employee, is it not?

Well, based on the rate we were going and where we now end up, e.g. closing. May be a successful business can not afford to run with happy celebrity yoga teachers.

Or, perhaps, better said a successful business can not afford to be run by an amateur like me.

It’s not that these celebrity yoga teachers do not have the goodness of their heart, of course they do. They teach yoga! It is just that the size of that goodness is not very big and they tend to devote most the space of that tiny little good heart to themselves. “I must love thee first” makes absolute sense to them.

Just like when one celebrity yoga teacher, ike, asked me to pay for a vet’s bill for his dog because he can’t afford it. But, when I asked if he can return the favor and receive a lower rate because the customers are not willing to pay the premium he demanded, he immediately declined.

To his defense, he said, he did not force me to help him. It was my own choosing to help pay for his vet's bill and for that he is thankful. But to ask him to accept a lower rate when he is such a big name celebrity, how dare of me to insult his big ego? So what, the customers are not willing to pay, don’t I have money of my own to pay him for the difference? That’s how it’s done. He informed me.

There goes the goodness of celebrity yoga teacher’s tiny heart.

Just because someone teaches yoga, and because another person is seen as struggling, it is no need for any kind of help and support when the money is being exchanged, are we clear, people?

So, now I heard loud and clear. Yoga teachers are people, too. And, those celebrity yoga teachers, must be paid well regardless because, dah, they are celebrity!

I can only thank my lucky star that not all yoga teachers see themselves as celebrity although they have extensive experience and training, and many people love them, Too!

They see themselves as, just that, yoga teachers.

I can not thank those “true” yoga teachers enough, for keeping me going and reminding me along the way why this journey is worth it.

So, with this note, it is my most grateful thanks to my dear yoga teachers: Elizabeth, Dido, Jon, Rachel, Marissa, Alex, Seth, Erin, Joshua, Laura and special thanks to my all-time favorite front desk Sonja for making every minute of this journey so worth it for me.

Good Bye & Hello

For the past 26 or so months, I was a struggling yoga studio owner, trying to "make it", just like everybody else.

This afternoon, it is all changed.

I had a meeting with my attorney to complete the agreement to end my lease. I handed him a key of the yoga studio so he can hand it back to the landlord together with a personal check of some amount that the landlord demanded, in order for me to get on with my life in peace.

That I did not have peace while owning a yoga studio says as much.

So, here I am, closing down on one of the biggest chapters of my life, yet I can't help but grinning.

My nice, fabulous, 7-of all man kind jeans-wearing attorney kept apologizing for not being able to help me more, and I told him, everything is just fine. I am relieved. It has been a pleasure working with him, really. (Anyone looking for good attorney, do not hesitate to call me).

Happy, indeed I am, I called my best friend on my way home from the attorney's office to share the news. When she picked up the phone, I exclaimed to her with much excitement "I left the house a yoga studio owner, now I'm going home an unemployed!". She laughed and we laughed and we hung up.

"Unempl0yed" has never sounded better!

I will be lying if I said that everything is all great and fine. Of course, it isn't. It sucks when I lost all of my 401K and still owe a good deal of money. I lost everything I put into the studio. The landlord insisted on keeping everything including my beloved antique bench. I wouldn't care if he wants to keep the yoga mannequin which is equally fab. But, I would very much like to keep at least one of my one-of-a kind antique benches just for sentimental reason.

I still don't know why he insisted on keeping all of my yoga stuff. But I dare anyone to peak through the window of what formerly known as seventh street yoga and see if someone (e.g. my landlord) is learning yoga with his staff. Each propped up comfortably on bolster, blankets, eye pillows and such. Ahhh... the life of landlord. Why wouldn't you just hire a private yoga teacher and buy your own yoga props is beyond me.

But, anyway, that is besides the point.

The truth is that if there is such thing as life after death, then that is what I'm experiencing right now.

Tomorrow, I will have to dedicate my time to produce official announcement including producing a list of customers for another yoga studio who is kind enough to extend a helping hand and offer to honor all of my student class passes after we are officially closed down.

There is a small studio next door and the owner offered to rent the space to me after she learned about the incident of someone being kicked out by the landlord. I seriously consider her offer for several days. I even started a long email to initiate an agreement with her. But in the end, I decide against it. I can't imagine teaching yoga in the space next to the one I put my heart and soul, and my life savings into.

I think I can do better than that. I know I can find a new space where I can feel secured and dignified and where I will be very happy teaching yoga again.

But, until then, Seventh Street Yoga will no longer be on west 7th street of Austin, Texas.

It is now belong to the world wide web. My virtual 7th street. Your virtual 7th street.

So, good bye Seventh Street and hello Seventh Street.

Everyone who attended my yoga class knows this is how I like to refer to the cycle of sun salutation. We always end at the same place where we begin. And, we repeat the same cycle over and over again, just like sun-set and sun-rise. Alas, sun salutation.

I don't care if someone said the world is flat (I heard it is on the top seller list).

My world is round. My life is round. (My hip is round).

So, here we are at the end where something new begins.

Good Bye Seventh Street & Hello Seventh Street.